My First Stabbing

Originally published on Hevria.com

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Today I’m losing my mind and it’s not the first time Only this time I think it might be normal Like when a vet says they have PTSD and you think How could you not?

Today I’m crying before bed And I’m not sure if it’s because of some guy who didn’t text Or because it’s 30 minutes past my bedtime Or because someone was killed a mile away

Today I miss home I thought I made a new one in Israel A false promise I made to myself A thank you card I wrote but never sent I was wrong to feel safe here

Today someone was stabbed And I bought silver napkins and flowers for the vort of a 20 year old And 3 dresses because the sales were just that good And then there were 3 attacks in 2 hours The bus driver who told you shrugged and said “only one dead” I thought we didn’t need hashtags to make lives matter in this country?

Today I stopped playing the video game I dropped the controller because the mad dog came leaping out of the screen And spoke quietly at me, while pushing my face against the glass You thought it was a game? You thought it was fun? You thought you could simcha your way out of this mess? You thought Adar was going to save this day?  You thought this rouse of a homeland was real? You fool he says, you little white girl of a believer. You can’t make the sunrise and you’ll never be home here.

Because today you’re losing your mind and it’s just your first time, it’s just PTSD in the making Today a man was stabbed in the back, pulled it out and the guy and you bled out everywhere onto the floor of the bus on the dresses and over the flowers No one else seemed to notice the deadness The redness stains soaking in And you wondered how not to let your heart break every time And the baby in the back Eyes wide just stared at you, as if to say how could you not?

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